Hu's In The House

The most pertinent point that I can make about the current Chinese President - other than waffling on about human rights abuses, the building up of a military arsenal in South East Asia, progressive economy yadda yadda - is that his name is clearly a headline writer's dream.

I could quite easily have gone for 'Hu's sorry now', perhaps in reference to his humble rhetoric concerning China's treatment of political dissidents.

Or on a more bizarre tangent I might have chosen 'Hu's on first base?' or possibly even 'Hu let the dogs out'. However I believe that Bo, the First Dog and one who is very much part of the Obama household, has not been let out and remains confined to the East Wing.

Anyway, enough of all this nonsense relating to the moniker of China's head honcho (just as well he isn't a doctor), Hu Jintao is currently in the States at the behest of Prez Obama and arrives hot on the heels (internally elevated) of Nicolas Sarkozy. Am I to assume that America has shuffled the pack once again and has yet another new best friend.

We in Britain really are being swiftly shunted down the pecking order in terms of the 'Special Relationship'

I don't really have anything articulate or sapient to say about this meeting of two of the world's Superpowers, I just wanted to shoehorn in some puns at the top of the page.

Barack Courts Les Frogs

Sorry, I hope I haven't offended anyone by refering to the French as 'Les Frogs'. It's purely a term of endearment, a friendly chuck on the arm to our horse-eating friends on the other side of the Channel, whom I for one cannot bear to be in the presence of.

I'm not sure if it's something about Thierry Henry's arrogance, the fact that I can't afford a wax jacket with courderoy collar or perhaps simply because I was once told to 'eff off' (or words to that effect) by a French girl whilst holidaying in Le Touquet, that I now don't have much time for any of them.

President Bazza does however.

The other day my dad told me that his sister told him (in a sort of 'he said, she said...' way) that there was a newspaper article claiming France to be America's new 'Best Friend'.

I attempted to verify this by typing 'Obama France Best Friends' into Google yet this simply came up with lots of links to a website called 'Stormfront' that I think has something to do with the Met Office? - As narrated by lots of angry white men who don't seem to like foreigners.

and then I found it on a different website, the quote was there in black and white and with a clenched fist I read:

'We don’t have a stronger friend and stronger ally than Nicolas Sarkozy, and the French people.'

What the? Such a duplicitous so and so, why I oughtta....I thought it was us, good old Blighty that had the 'Special Relationship' with America..... And now I find that they're rushing around behind our backs, smooching up to our slutty neighbour and all the while I've been breaking my pert buttocks trying to get this flag signed by 100 British celebrities purely for President Obama's pleasure and for him to be able to read 100 messages of goodwill over a bowl of Alpen in the Oval Office!

All I can say is that when I meet up with Linford Christie in the next few weeks and he asks me what he should sign on the flag for Barack's attention, I might suggest a few choice words of my own!

Reply - Linford Christie

So it's a pretty good start to 2011, as Linford Christie (pictured) has become the latest from my pre-arranged list of 500 British Celebrities as voted for by you, le publique, on Facebook, to agree to sign the 'Jack for Barack'©.

As you can see he is a fine figure of a man although I might add that I have a very similar body to his in that picture. When I say that, I mean that I, like Linford, have two arms and a head attached to a torso.

I personally have a lot of time for the man since, although not necessarily sharing his views on gender roles, or should I say if sharing them, keeping very quiet about it, he is an absolute legend who won this great country of ours an Olympic gold.

In an even sterner test of his character he recently managed to not only eat a kangroo's anus (if my memory serves me), but he also endured more than two weeks, yes TWO WEEKS! in the company of Gillian McKeith.

Well having flown back from the jungles of Queensland, which are now no doubt under 65ft of water, he is back teaching at Brunel University....I think it's quantum mechanics.

An email freshly received from Charlie of Linford's 'Nuff Respect agency stated:

"Hi Jules,

Linford would like to sign the Union Jack and is available to sign it at Brunel University.

If you would like to e-mail me back with a date and time suitable for you to get there I will try to get something arranged.

Kind Regards

Charlie"

So yes what a star, a gent and a scholar. Perhaps he might give me some tips on how to jog more than 10 metres without buggering up my knee joints.

I shall keep you updated....

P.S. sorry about the splint infinitive in paragraph 4.

A Happy New Year!

So it's goodbye 2010, goodbye MMX, goodbye 5771 (if you're Jewish) goodbye 1431 (if you're Muslim), goodbye the 'Year of the Tiger' (if you're Chinese, 'Sayonara' 2010 (if you're Japanese) and 'good riddance' if you're me....which you're not, I am.

To be honest 2010 was a pretty decent one for me, I completed Call of Duty Black Ops in three days, I learnt how to count to ten in Austrian...or do I mean German?....oh, and I met the loveliest person I've ever clapped eyes on in all of my sorry little life.

So what else have we discovered during the last 365* days?

We've discovered that:

1. Orange+blue wins more seats than red
   
2. You can't plug a leaking oil well with golf balls
   
3. Volcanic ash in Iceland can strand people in Crete
   
4. England are still crap at football
   
5. Kim Jong Il has an itchy trigger finger
6. Anne Widdecombe can't dance very well
   
7. The 'Special Relationship' between the UK and the US is showing cracks
   
8. You can write bullett points on blogger
9. 'Julian' can refer to both a malcontented, middle-aged, prematurely greying blogger (I thank you) and a malcontented middle-aged, prematurely greying distributor of classified state secrets
10. James Corden, for some reason totally unbeknownst to me, is still popular

I also recently discovered that my former blue-rinse English teacher, Christopher Jeffries (pictured), or as I used to call him - 'Mr Jeffries' - has just been arrested for murder in Bristol.

I sincerely hope that he's innocent.

Meanwhile I was also happy to see that Antoine Dodson (see the post below this) had quite a monumental year. So much so, that he was invited by US TV to attend the Times Square 'Ball Drop' to herald in the New Year. Rumour has it that Antoine is never happier than when large spherical objects are in his line of vision.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2011!


* Not counting the last 2 days

A Song for Christmas

I'm very much looking forward to going up to Scotland for Xmas with the g/f's family next week, that's assuming we get there of course what with this rancourous weather, where I have pantomime trips, whiskey tasting and the traditional blasting of birds out of the sky with a double-barelled shotgun (if my conscience allows me) to look forward to.

Let me leave you to enjoy the rest of your 2010 with a song.

According to a TV programme I just watched, this is the most viewed clip on Youtube of the last year with over 60 million hits.

In order for it to make sense you need to be a little patient since the first couple of minutes of the video below explains the background to the song.
It involves a young and slightly peculiar looking man named Antoine Dodson, who in my opinion bears an uncanny likeness to the footballer Ronaldinho albeit slightly less buck of tooth, and who was being interviewed for the news after a burglar attempted to rape his sister. Yes, serious stuff.
Anyway, the clip went 'viral', a song was conjured up by some hi-tech information technology wizard and the rest, as they say, is history:

I'm Not Paranoid (I Bet Everyone Thinks I Am)*

Paranoid:

adj.

1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others

I'm not sure if it is possible for an entire country to be 'paranoid', but apparently Britain is suffering from just such a mental state. How do I know that? Because Julian Assange told me so because a mole in an embassy told him so and because he then informed 2.5billion people by inscribing this water-cooler gossip onto his Wikileaks website.

Since I was up much of the night drinking gin-laced ovaltine and watching England dismantle Australia in the Ashes, I don't currently have the energy to make up any wise-cracks about the name 'Wikileaks' or how they might be Will Smith's favourite vegetables but this is what I learned from that most nefarious of websites. I quote from the Sky News website because they obviously always have their facts spot on - Ahem - :

"A German woman has been killed in a shark attack while snorkelling off the Egyptian Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, officials say.

The death comes after four people were injured in similar attacks at..."

oops, sorry. Wrong article.

"Files newly released by the Wikileaks website highlight what is described as the UK's "paranoia" about its so-called special relationship with the US. In one cable, a senior US diplomat describes "excessive UK speculation" after Barack Obama became president, continuing "This over-reading would often be humorous, if it were not so corrosive."

The cables detail efforts by leading Tories, who are now in government, to stress their pro-US credentials. A 2008 cable written by US deputy chief of mission Richard LeBaron describes a meeting with William Hague, then a Conservative frontbencher and now foreign secretary.

When asked at the meeting whether the relationship was "still special", Mr Hague is said to have replied: "We want a pro-American regime. We need it. The world needs it."

Mr Hague then went on to say, "To be honest, I'm not actually sure if the relationship is still 'special' but we've got our best man working on it. His name is Jules Segal and he's asking 500 celebrities to give him their feedback on the special relationship before he sends a Union Jack flag to President Obama.

Ok I made that last bit up, and I'm not reading anything into the fact that I am still awaiting a reply from William after sending him my letter 6 weeks ago.

Meanwhile, according to Wikileaks certain US Embassy staff have also described Silvio Berlusconi as 'feckless' and the Germans as being 'without humour', so you do the maths...



Oh I forgot to mention in my last post, R.I.P Bernard Matthews. You will be sorely missed as will your succulent corn-fed turkeys.



*The 'joke' in the title to this post was brought to you by Jerry Sadowitz circa 1992, the letter 'Z' and the number '4'.

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

It's been 26 days since my last post and whilst I'm on the subject, it's been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away.

I went to the doctor and guess what she told me? She said "Jules your cholesterol is 6.7 you fat git." - or words to that effect.

Look, the reason I haven't managed to recant any more stories about further celebrities signing my Union Jack for President Obama since Jeffrey Archer, Boris Johnson and Richard Wilson graced my presence in October is because I've been busy trying to garner support for England's 2018 World Cup bid by sourcing a pair rhinoceros skinned stilletos for Sepp Blatter's wife.

I've also been providing voice coaching for Katie Waissel but to no avail.

Well the reason that I'm including a post here, albeit a day late is to wish every American I know including, and in no particular order, my work colleague Parker (yes that's his real name), Ron Jeremy (see photo), a couple of ex-girlfriends, their friends and their friends friends - there's only one girl for me now ;o) - and Barack himself, a very, very happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy your turkey, pumpkin pie and reparations to the Native Americans.

I will be writing to the other 389 celebrities on my list soon as I have recently recieved a batch of 600 envelopes and would like to put out an S.O.S plea (as ABBA did) since I am currently searching for hardy souls with strong wrists who enjoy addressing envelopes.