Reply - David Attenborough

David Attenborough is by far and away my favourite wildlife documentarian and always will be.

You’d never catch him shrieking “Crikey! Look at the fangs on that little fella” or contriving a scene where he got stung on the eye by a hornet for dramatic effect..

Sir David is the model of professionalism. He’s the sort of person I’d have love to have had as a science teacher at school. He’s probably got loads of fascinating things in jars of formaldehyde, but more than that, I reckon his serene and avuncular nature would have made learning about the spectroscopic properties of haemoglobin anything but boring.

David was kind enough to pen me a short note in the response to the letter that I sent him the other day, asking if he’d be able to sign the ‘Jack’ for Barack.

To paraphrase it, and forgive me if this is slightly inaccurate, I’m at work right now and in theory should be telephoning Private Equity Lawyers to try and move them from job to job, but I believe that it said:

“Dear Jules Segal, please forgive me but I will not be available to sign your flag….”

I certainly forgive Sir David. He was kind enough to not only write a note, but to put it in an envelope (albeit the self-addressed envelope that I have included with all of the missives to the 500) and to post it in a letterbox..

What a thoroughly nice guy.

Green Fingers

What with this brown ‘British’ slurry covering a vast area of ‘American’ sea in the Gulf of Mexico (the slick now reckoned to cover an area larger than Luxembourg….and presumably containing more interesting life-forms), it seems abundantly clear to me that we drew our opening match of the World Cup 1-1 with the USA on purpose.

I would like to advance the theory that in the spirit of getting the relationship back on track and in order to thaw out the frosty blanket that has lately been throttling the genteel accord that used to exist prior to ‘slick-gate’, Robert Green was instructed to tip the ball into his own net, Ledley King was instructed to pull a groin and Emile Heskey was instructed not to score.

The latter was achieved with the minimum of fuss.

And the middle one for that matter.

I have been ensured by Fabio Capello, in a late night conversation that I had with him just moments ago, that normal service will be resumed next Friday night and England will eke out a glorious and deserved 1-0 win against Algeria, Wayne Rooney scoring on 89 minutes with a shot that will be deflected in off Frank Lampard’s buttocks.

Reply - Mike Leigh

I climbed the 219 steps at Belsize Park tube station today, not because the lift was broken but because my doctor told me yesterday morning that the 30 minutes of vigourous excercise that I ought to be doing four times a week wouldn't include ambling around a golf course, stretching for a jar of peanut butter from the cupboard, or onanism.

I received an email today, from Helen, who I believe is an adjutant to the acclaimed writer and director Mike Leigh, scribe of such gilded works as Abigail's Party, Secrets and Lies and Life is Sweet..

In fact Helen sent me the email during the South Africa v Mexico match, the opening game of the World Cup, so perhaps she's not a football fan....or indeed, perhaps the noise of the vuvuzela is too much for her to bear. She wouldn't be alone in that.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, sadly Mike does not want to take part in this project for as Helen wrote:

"Thank you for your invitation to Mike Leigh who does not want to take part in this project.
Best Wishes"

Well never mind, a reply at least and I don't begrudge Mike ducking out of this one. He was kind enough to meet me on another foray several years ago (see category 'h' in the right hand column), so as far as I'm concerned, he's done his bit.

Oil Stand By You

A potentially divisive cloud on the horizon right now for Anglo-Yank relations, and an issue which, although not likely to tip it into an all-out, nuke-firing fracas, seems to be adding extra strain to the general bonhomie of our two nations, much like a bulging gut pressing against the elasticated waistband of a pair of Kappa tracksuit bottoms.

But enough about my own weight-gain problems, it seems that BP CEO Tony Hayward is in a spot of bother and will certainly have to come up with some slick manouvres if he doesn’t want to find himself tarred and feathered and run out of Dodge. Tarred and feathered, in fact, like much of the aquatic wildlife in Louisiana right now. I saw a photograph of a black slimy pelican the other day. Pelicans aren’t meant to be black and slimy. It made me sad.

President Obama has been lambasting British Petroleum left, right and centre in response. Tough on oil spills, tough on the causes of oil spills, although whether this is largely a knee-jerk reaction to the chorus of disapproving voices back at home, bemoaning his handling of the affair and his apparent inability to project anger, is unclear.

It seems that he is damned either way, a vast swathe of American’s, even the renowned political commentator and blacksploitation filmmaker Spike Lee, have been speaking out about the President’s lack of fighting talk, Lee wishing that Obama would ‘go off’ on BP about the spill. US comedian Bill Maher, on the other hand suggested that Obama should go into the meetings with BP executives and lift his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband.

On the flipside, when Barack does get nasty, emphasizing the word ‘British’ of British Petroleum in his speeches and spitting it out as if it was a cardamom pod hidden in a mouthful of pilau rice, everyone on this side of the Atlantic sits up, takes notice and berates the poor man. Boris Johnson, for example (who happens to be on my list of 500, so maybe I can question him on the subject if/when I meet him) recently stated:

“The best thing now is not to get into too much name-calling and buck-passing, and attempt to damage the reputation of a great British company, but to work together to sort it out,”

So whether B.O. should get nasty with BP or should cut them some slack, is open to anyone’s interpretation. I suppose his primary duty is to the interests of his nation and countrymen, but whatever one’s views on the subject happen to be, it seems that this is one story that is going to run and run.

….Much like the oil, sadly.

Reply - Clare Balding (+Obama Reaffirms 'Special Relationship')

A few weeks ago I asked my intellectually challenged friend who he was going to vote for at the General Election, to which he replied, "Oh probably that Scottish bloke."

"Really? I didn't have you down as a fan of Gordon Brown." I replied.

"No not him, I mean the other one, Cameron something."

True story.

Anyway, no sooner had PM David waltzed through the door of number 10 then he got the obligatory call on the old dog. Nope, not the one from his mother Mary, asking him why he never called any more, or from Sketchleys telling him that they'd removed the gravy stain from his flannel suit, it was, of course, from Barack Obama.

I now quote the Daily Telegraph, not because I read it, but because it was the first result to come up when I typed "Obama" and "Special Relationship" into Google. It suggests that the US President 'reached out' to David Cameron (another tiresome use of that apalling expression) just minutes after he had been installed as the new PrimeMinister:

Mr Obama placed the call from his desk in the Oval Office, before a small pool of news photographers, in what amounted to one of Cameron's first official duties after taking over from Gordon Brown as prime minister.

"Today, I was pleased to call David Cameron to extend my personal congratulations for the successful campaign that he ran and for becoming the new British prime minister," Obama said in a written statement.

"As I told the prime minister, the United States has no closer friend and ally than the United Kingdom, and I reiterated my deep and personal commitment to the special relationship between our two countries - a bond that has endured for generations and across party lines."

Mr Obama said that relationship was "essential to the security and prosperity of our two countries, and the world."


Wow, he's got a pool in the Oval Office.

William Hague has since travelled to Washington DC to meet and greet Hillary Clinton for knee-jerk relationship-clarification duties and the two countries shall, it seems, continue to merrily suckle on the bosom of each other's friendship.


In other news, I have been informed that TV Sports Presenter Clare Balding will not be available to sign my Union Jack flag since BBC policy prevents her from doing so.



I believe it is the policy of the Beeb not to show any form of friendship towards Americans.




(Right: Clare and I in happier times)

A Change to the Dynamic?

So we have a new Government and a new PM.

I'm certainly not going to waffle on about the shortcomings of a hung parliament, the difficulties facing a coalition government, the need for a change to the voting system or whether an old woman in Rochdale will now be unwelcome in The Star of Bengal, as there are far too many political bloggers being paid to do that already.

What I will say is that a certain repercussion will be felt by one of our American cuzins (mispelled intentionally) in particular, namely US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who it seems took something of a shine to Labour's (reportedly) dashing former foreign secretary David Milliband, he of the tidy haircut and youthful swagger. Well on the plus side for him, he may end up leading his party.

Hillary, as you may or may not know, previously spoke thus of David in that heavy-hitting political tome Vogue Magazine:

"...Yes well if you saw him it would be a big crush. I mean he is so vibrant, vital, attractive, smart. He's a really good guy. And he's so young!"

Whilst according to the Indian Express (I'm not making this up), Mr Milliband stated that his US counterpart was "...Delightful to deal with. Someone who laughs and can tease."

Hmmm.

Anyway, their will be no more pressing of flesh between the two of them now, handshakes I'm talking about, and Mrs Clinton will have to start afresh with William Hague.

Will the magic still be there? Who knows or dares to dream but I fear that the savagely curtailed embryonic romance between Hillary and David may act as a possible precursor to the souring of the Transatlantic alliance. Hell hath no fury and all that.

Reply - Mike Mendoza

Not a bad result really, bearing in mind that I haven't actually sent out any of my 500 letters yet. Stamps aren't particularly cheap these days.

I did, however, take the liberty of sending a couple of cursary emails to a handful of individuals from my list, well six actually, (so if you suffer from Polydactyly, that figure of speech still applies) and former talkSPORT DJ Mike Mendoza has stated that he will happily sign my flag with a message to Barack, stating in his response:

"Hi Jules

It will be a Pleasure

Best wishes

Mike M"

So that's one down and 499 to go...