Friday 27 August 2010

A Message For Agents (Please Be Kind)


Question- what do the following ten individuals have in common:

John Craven - Former Newsround host and current discusser of rural matters.

Desmond Morris - Zooologist, ethologist(?), authour, TV presenter and surrealist painter.

James May - TV Presenter and driver.

John Simpson
- BBC Journalist and foreign correspondent.

Peter Jones - Entrepeneur, businessman and Dragon.

Lisa Rogers - TV Presenter and siren.

Mervyn King - Governor of the Bank of England and namesake to darts player.

Dave Gorman - Comedian and author.

Gaby Roslin - Radio host.

Fred Goodwin - Much lambasted former bank manager.

No, they’re not all about to be called up by Fabio Capello to fill the troublesome position on the left hand side of the England midfield. The answer is that they too will have all received my letter within the next few days.

It hasn’t escaped my attention that I’m having to pin a large amount of faith on agents, press officers, personal assistants and publicists at the moment. Whether or not they are actually passing my letters on to their clients I have no idea. I frequently envisage some harassed young lady picking up a phone to one of the 500 and saying something like “you’ve just been sent this really weird letter from a guy who wants you to sign a flag….”

At least I hope that’s what they’re saying, they may of course just be chucking my unopened epistle straight in the bin.

I have now sent just under 100 of the 500 letters and replies have been only slightly above the 10% mark which is a little bit disappointing but then I’ve learnt that these things tend to snowball with publicity so that’s nothing that a four page spread in the Metro can’t cure although we'll have to wait until all of these cats in bins stories die down so theres a little bit of space.

Right, I’m off to join the Mary Bale lynch mob.

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