Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Hu's In The House

The most pertinent point that I can make about the current Chinese President - other than waffling on about human rights abuses, the building up of a military arsenal in South East Asia, progressive economy yadda yadda - is that his name is clearly a headline writer's dream.

I could quite easily have gone for 'Hu's sorry now', perhaps in reference to his humble rhetoric concerning China's treatment of political dissidents.

Or on a more bizarre tangent I might have chosen 'Hu's on first base?' or possibly even 'Hu let the dogs out'. However I believe that Bo, the First Dog and one who is very much part of the Obama household, has not been let out and remains confined to the East Wing.

Anyway, enough of all this nonsense relating to the moniker of China's head honcho (just as well he isn't a doctor), Hu Jintao is currently in the States at the behest of Prez Obama and arrives hot on the heels (internally elevated) of Nicolas Sarkozy. Am I to assume that America has shuffled the pack once again and has yet another new best friend.

We in Britain really are being swiftly shunted down the pecking order in terms of the 'Special Relationship'

I don't really have anything articulate or sapient to say about this meeting of two of the world's Superpowers, I just wanted to shoehorn in some puns at the top of the page.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Barack Courts Les Frogs

Sorry, I hope I haven't offended anyone by refering to the French as 'Les Frogs'. It's purely a term of endearment, a friendly chuck on the arm to our horse-eating friends on the other side of the Channel, whom I for one cannot bear to be in the presence of.

I'm not sure if it's something about Thierry Henry's arrogance, the fact that I can't afford a wax jacket with courderoy collar or perhaps simply because I was once told to 'eff off' (or words to that effect) by a French girl whilst holidaying in Le Touquet, that I now don't have much time for any of them.

President Bazza does however.

The other day my dad told me that his sister told him (in a sort of 'he said, she said...' way) that there was a newspaper article claiming France to be America's new 'Best Friend'.

I attempted to verify this by typing 'Obama France Best Friends' into Google yet this simply came up with lots of links to a website called 'Stormfront' that I think has something to do with the Met Office? - As narrated by lots of angry white men who don't seem to like foreigners.

and then I found it on a different website, the quote was there in black and white and with a clenched fist I read:

'We don’t have a stronger friend and stronger ally than Nicolas Sarkozy, and the French people.'

What the? Such a duplicitous so and so, why I oughtta....I thought it was us, good old Blighty that had the 'Special Relationship' with America..... And now I find that they're rushing around behind our backs, smooching up to our slutty neighbour and all the while I've been breaking my pert buttocks trying to get this flag signed by 100 British celebrities purely for President Obama's pleasure and for him to be able to read 100 messages of goodwill over a bowl of Alpen in the Oval Office!

All I can say is that when I meet up with Linford Christie in the next few weeks and he asks me what he should sign on the flag for Barack's attention, I might suggest a few choice words of my own!

Friday, 7 January 2011

Reply - Linford Christie

So it's a pretty good start to 2011, as Linford Christie (pictured) has become the latest from my pre-arranged list of 500 British Celebrities as voted for by you, le publique, on Facebook, to agree to sign the 'Jack for Barack'©.

As you can see he is a fine figure of a man although I might add that I have a very similar body to his in that picture. When I say that, I mean that I, like Linford, have two arms and a head attached to a torso.

I personally have a lot of time for the man since, although not necessarily sharing his views on gender roles, or should I say if sharing them, keeping very quiet about it, he is an absolute legend who won this great country of ours an Olympic gold.

In an even sterner test of his character he recently managed to not only eat a kangroo's anus (if my memory serves me), but he also endured more than two weeks, yes TWO WEEKS! in the company of Gillian McKeith.

Well having flown back from the jungles of Queensland, which are now no doubt under 65ft of water, he is back teaching at Brunel University....I think it's quantum mechanics.

An email freshly received from Charlie of Linford's 'Nuff Respect agency stated:

"Hi Jules,

Linford would like to sign the Union Jack and is available to sign it at Brunel University.

If you would like to e-mail me back with a date and time suitable for you to get there I will try to get something arranged.

Kind Regards


So yes what a star, a gent and a scholar. Perhaps he might give me some tips on how to jog more than 10 metres without buggering up my knee joints.

I shall keep you updated....

P.S. sorry about the splint infinitive in paragraph 4.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

A Happy New Year!

So it's goodbye 2010, goodbye MMX, goodbye 5771 (if you're Jewish) goodbye 1431 (if you're Muslim), goodbye the 'Year of the Tiger' (if you're Chinese, 'Sayonara' 2010 (if you're Japanese) and 'good riddance' if you're me....which you're not, I am.

To be honest 2010 was a pretty decent one for me, I completed Call of Duty Black Ops in three days, I learnt how to count to ten in Austrian...or do I mean German?....oh, and I met the loveliest person I've ever clapped eyes on in all of my sorry little life.

So what else have we discovered during the last 365* days?

We've discovered that:
  1. Orange+blue wins more seats than red
  2. You can't plug a leaking oil well with golf balls
  3. Volcanic ash in Iceland can strand people in Crete
  4. England are still crap at football
  5. Kim Jong Il has an itchy trigger finger
  6. Anne Widdecombe can't dance very well
  7. The 'Special Relationship' between the UK and the US is showing cracks
  8. You can write bullett points on blogger
  9. 'Julian' can refer to both a malcontented, middle-aged, prematurely greying blogger (I thank you) and a malcontented middle-aged, prematurely greying distributor of classified state secrets
  10. James Corden, for some reason totally unbeknownst to me, is still popular
I also recently discovered that my former blue-rinse English teacher, Christopher Jeffries (pictured), or as I used to call him - 'Mr Jeffries' - has just been arrested for murder in Bristol.

I sincerely hope that he's innocent.

Meanwhile I was also happy to see that Antoine Dodson (see the post below this) had quite a monumental year. So much so, that he was invited by US TV to attend the Times Square 'Ball Drop' to herald in the New Year. Rumour has it that Antoine is never happier than when large spherical objects are in his line of vision.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2011!

* Not counting the last 2 days