Sunday, 5 December 2010

I'm Not Paranoid (I Bet Everyone Thinks I Am)*



1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others

I'm not sure if it is possible for an entire country to be 'paranoid', but apparently Britain is suffering from just such a mental state. How do I know that? Because Julian Assange told me so because a mole in an embassy told him so and because he then informed 2.5billion people by inscribing this water-cooler gossip onto his Wikileaks website.

Since I was up much of the night drinking gin-laced ovaltine and watching England dismantle Australia in the Ashes, I don't currently have the energy to make up any wise-cracks about the name 'Wikileaks' or how they might be Will Smith's favourite vegetables but this is what I learned from that most nefarious of websites. I quote from the Sky News website because they obviously always have their facts spot on - Ahem - :

"A German woman has been killed in a shark attack while snorkelling off the Egyptian Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, officials say.

The death comes after four people were injured in similar attacks at..."

oops, sorry. Wrong article.

"Files newly released by the Wikileaks website highlight what is described as the UK's "paranoia" about its so-called special relationship with the US. In one cable, a senior US diplomat describes "excessive UK speculation" after Barack Obama became president, continuing "This over-reading would often be humorous, if it were not so corrosive."

The cables detail efforts by leading Tories, who are now in government, to stress their pro-US credentials. A 2008 cable written by US deputy chief of mission Richard LeBaron describes a meeting with William Hague, then a Conservative frontbencher and now foreign secretary.

When asked at the meeting whether the relationship was "still special", Mr Hague is said to have replied: "We want a pro-American regime. We need it. The world needs it."

Mr Hague then went on to say, "To be honest, I'm not actually sure if the relationship is still 'special' but we've got our best man working on it. His name is Jules Segal and he's asking 500 celebrities to give him their feedback on the special relationship before he sends a Union Jack flag to President Obama.

Ok I made that last bit up, and I'm not reading anything into the fact that I am still awaiting a reply from William after sending him my letter 6 weeks ago.

Meanwhile, according to Wikileaks certain US Embassy staff have also described Silvio Berlusconi as 'feckless' and the Germans as being 'without humour', so you do the maths...

Oh I forgot to mention in my last post, R.I.P Bernard Matthews. You will be sorely missed as will your succulent corn-fed turkeys.

*The 'joke' in the title to this post was brought to you by Jerry Sadowitz circa 1992, the letter 'Z' and the number '4'.